Since I wrote my last post it has been in my mind that there needs to be a little honest disclosure about me before folk might get how I’m trying to handle right now. So…
Anybody who leaves themselves open to growth probably knows by now that we are not in control of anything at all really. (Or maybe that’s just been my lesson?)
For me; a particularly stubborn form of human species; this is still a lesson in the learning.
Mind you, my stubborn self saved my butt. Perhaps that’s why it’s so hard to let go of now, despite its illusionary nature.
When I was twelve I realised nobody was going to save me from my raging mother. So I did it myself, forcing the police to take action. I saved my physical self.
When I was thirteen I decided the Catholic faith was riddled with hypocrisy and despite their objections (Catholic orphanage) I pledged my soul to a fundamentalist god. I saved my soul.
When I was eighteen I had developed compassion in spades and a fair dose of reason, but the fundamentalists had none. I left though those two words are ludicrous to describe the agony of this separation. ButI saved my reason.
For the next couple of years I took to all that said ‘up yours’ and made it mine. Soon though I realised the internal me was dying (not to mention being pickled by alcohol). I sought understanding. I saved my future.
The following years had me pulling myself up from a no-good-nothing to an educated professional who worked to serve others. I saved my self-respect.
The next twenty-five years were years of growth and learning. Of ‘managing’ that which came before me, or at least managing my own responses. Fast forward to around my forty-sixth birthday.
Within a matter of days three things occurred to shatter my comfortable illusion of captaining my own ship.
And I do mean shatter…as in tiny tiny splinters of glass lying around my feet. A suicide, found by me, the loss of two beautiful children because of someone else’s unresolved past, the betrayal of a friend, who should have known better.
And I can not lie. Without my son I’d be sitting in a cave by now in continual oooooommmmmmmmmmmm….not because I’d want that, but because I did want to run away.
I had done my best and and my best had failed.
Many words and images fill my mind now. Dark nights of soul…walking through fire…final surrender…body prone on the soil of mother earth sobbing, burnt out…my god my god why has thou forsaken me.
So intense was it that I find myself unable to share it here for there are no words. But suffice to say in that moment I gave up. I gave up on everybody elses opinion. I gave up on my own opinion. I gave up on every single intellectual paradigm and unintellectual paradigm I had ever studied.
I accepted my vision was squat compared to the universe. As such why was I always pushing a barrow of shit uphill?
So I changed my way of approaching life, which takes us to https://leesis.wordpress.com/2010/08/05/walkin-my-talk/ posted two days ago when I wrote of my current protoplasm status.
Essentially I see myself still the captain of my own ship. But with no control and little understanding of all the forces that will batter us kindly or no. Therefore anxiety, stress and such seem useless. They can only make the journey more trying. But crikey they are habitual little monsters!
Tomorrow I’ll be back with our protoplasm journey, but for now I thought this might help readers gain some perspective on the internals of this here writer :).
Cheers for now…Leesa