So I left this group though still believing in their conception of what god was.
It took a visit from some Jehovah Witnesses for it to dawn on me that it wasn’t just the Revivalists or Catholics that claimed a distinct ‘truth’ in their interpretation of what god was. A bit slow I know little buddy but from twelve I had stopped asking questions of others having learnt that my questions often brought out the very worst in people…both believers and non-believers.
So what did I do now? It seemed to be that if everyone claimed they had the truth, and the pure evidence of the way these folks lived denied such claims, then perhaps it was just all crap!
Of course you may well ask Skippy why I cared at all. Well all I can say is I did and I do. I have always stared up and out, in and about and wondered what the heck it all was. Perhaps it as because I shared my childhood with a dead girl so I was always aware of a ‘after this’ and wanted to understand this and after!
You know how I love star trek? Well in that is the line “Space…the final frontier.” To me its space and beyond and I want to know what’s there. I simply have never accepted the human being to be the ultimate in consciousness Just as you Skippy werent able to accept the ‘sinner’ stuff. To think we are the best there is is neither rational reasonable or emotionally harmonic therefore in my consideration null and void.
I didn’t care what the answer was. I might have been sensing a consciousness in the very earth itself. Or maybe it was a conscious universe or we were just an idea in an aliens mind…
The point was I wanted to know what it was and what it had to do with me so I had to investigate.
So far, I’d seen Catholicism thus inclusive if Judaism, and fundamental Christianity. None of these theologies ended up ‘truth’ for me because neither represented love and if there was one thing this little cookie did and does know is that any consciousness more evolved that us would represent love in a purer form.
Let me cut and paste a tad from my first book to explain what I mean. This was the first time I questioned the teachings of the revivalists with the Pastor of the group.
“Pastor Hollins how is God different to Hitler?”
He must have been somewhat stunned by my question for he was silent. For me the floodgates had opened and I continued.
“It seems to me that God says ‘do what I say or I’ll burn you forever’. We think it’s terrible that Hitler murdered all those Jews but God is going to destroy more than six million and they won’t even get the release of death. What sort of loving God is that? I know you said God is like a parent but I’d never parent a child like that!”
Later you will read a more reasoned argument regarding these particular theologies; not so much that they are wrong but seriously misinterpreted; with respect for the moments of spiritual insight that cannot be ignored. And yet reading again of my conversation with the Pastor Hollin’s thirty years later I find myself agreeing completely with my junior self!
My search was never reason without emotion.
And nor, from the moment I left the revivalist centre, was it ever again to be emotion without reason. Both little buddy are essential to asking the right questions, to keeping open, to not being ‘taken in’.
So now Skippy, having rejected both forms of Christianity I for a brief moment called my self an atheist but truly I was simply angry. Angry that folk would parade around saying they had truth when they had no such thing. I was seriously cranky that this could lead to power over others as seen through the history of Christianity, Islam and Judaism. And as seen in my life to this point.
My next steps took me into the world of the ‘new age’, psychic phenomena and Eastern beliefs as I for a time at least, rejected Christianity completely.
But that’s for next time little buddy…till next time…my heart to your heart.