Since my last posts (¹) I have walked a journey with my son that alternatively has required:
*Counting to 1347000 whilst I waited for my knee-jerk emotions, powered by super-turbo menopausal symptoms to calm to a level where my facial colour recedes from deep red and my voice can work again.
*Intense confusion (there’s a new wrinkle between my eyebrows I swear) as I try to walk a balance between hearing, respecting and responding to a fourteen year olds needs and distinguishing them from what is usual teenage angst. Trying not to overact or under-react.
*Constant self talk to prevent old habits like stressing out that my son isn’t perfectly happy; fighting internal anger that his now ex-school just couldn’t/wouldn’t step up; questioning how I have contributed to his current predicament.
*An underlying reaction of emotional stress fighting with another self that wants to simply trust that with harmonious intention and honest action all will be well.
So I’ve done the best I can, checking myself as necessary, trying to keep calm and be willing to respond to the moment effectively.
And…well I’m still alive, and so is my son! A new school is chosen with hopes of it engaging him and stern lectures of his expected commitment have been delivered.
And the same lesson again. It is so habitual for us to stress when things go awry don’t you find?. But in the first post I wrote of walking my talk.
So whilst I’ve outwardly done the parent thing pretty well I have to say I get a poor rating on trust…or faith.
Partly it’s the slippery slope of menopausal surges; partly it’s doing my best to be two parents in one for my son and not always having the energy.
But in all honesty most of it seems to be about breaking old habits.
Habits brought about by conditioning, by simply watching and learning from childhood about what we are ‘meant’ to stress out about. Financial stress, scholastic stress, career stress, love stress.
Ultimately it is just all fear. Fear that I’ll make the wrong choices, fear I’ll let my son down, fear that all those ‘out there’ will be right and I should’ve taken the most travelled road.
I am becoming more and more convinced that it is this fear that we are so conditioned too that erodes our natural faith, trust, hope in life and thus creates blockages to flourishing.
Last night my son came home from his first day at his new school. Apparently the math teachers a “stuck-up snob” which is sad cause he really sucks at math (this is one of those take no notice moments) but…everything else is good.
What a pleasure to not have to fight him over bedtime and going to school the next day. Oh I know, it’s early days, but well, right now all is well. And right now counts hey?
I started these specific blogs saying In the last two weeks my nice settled world has turned into a puddle of green protoplasm splattered across my window.
Now I know that it was my fears that gave me the image of green protoplasm (I’ve suddenly realised why it’s green and it’s not pretty 🙂 ).
The next thing is finances. They suck and you wouldn’t believe what the lads new school costs!
Right…big breath…take positive action…no fear…get behind me Satan…good golly that’s religious…crikey! 🙂
¹see Walkin My Talk and Dissecting the Protoplasm.