Thank-you for calling God.
Your call is important to us.
Currently all Gods operators are busy with other calls
Please select from the following options:
Press  To reject any religion bar yours
Press  To burn all religious texts bar your own
Press  To bring pestilence down upon people of your choice
Press  To call everybody else an idiot
Press  To reserve your own personal seat next to god
Press  To ensure God likes only who you like (but you best of all)
I am sure you understand we receive millions of calls.
Due to the overwhelming demand for the above services, and in the spirit of fairness, we request your application is supported by rationale indicating your privileged status.
As such, please show your exact and special position on the following map of our mutual universe:
If you have been unable to fulfill this request please return when bigger.
If you are confused, please continue to learn.