Who Knew??

Who knew at forty-seven I would make as many mistakes as I did at twenty-five?

Who knew tonight I’d end up begging a sleep over for my son so, unknown to them, he will eat tonight.

Who knew ethics would get me in trouble. Or perhaps it’s my excuse. For for bloody sure I don’t know.

I tried. I swear I did.

Education

Psychotherapy

Career

Don’t get bitter, don’t be angry, give love not hate.

So I did. With an enormous sense of stubbornness that said ‘I wouldn’t back down’.

Who knew I’d end up so tired though I’m not yet old.

Who knew that when I left my family at twelve, and even the law said I was right to do so, I’d still be required at forty-seven to carry on alone.

Sorry for myself?

A bit.

But have you ever felt like me? That despite all your effort, your intentions,  your honesty, your service, your effort… it has all come to naught.

Because at the end of the day I can’t feed my son. And that’s just not right. 

Who knew?

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23 thoughts on “Who Knew??

  1. Wow. That sucks.

    Sorry to hear how hard it’s going. I wish I could make the world perfect. I wish things were “fair”. Most of all, right now, I wish I could give you the justice you deserve.

    You’re a great person. For what it’s worth, with me being a faceless name on the blog-O-sphere, I hope that you know that you deserve to be loved as much as I can tell that you love your son.

    Sorry for your situation and thanks for being so candid. Thanks.

    In love,
    Iain.

  2. Dearest, beautiful Leesa,
    Your honesty and openess are astounding yet simply beautiful.
    Your echo of pain resounds…it is in harmony with my own personal journey.
    I have been where you are, I know the depths of despair when it comes to poverty, aloneness, worn down, hopelessness and the sense of shame that comes with not being able to support the ones you love financially, emotionally etc.
    We can only give as much as we have. It is one of the most painful experiences in my life, personally, to feel that I had failed my children when I left them. This was a long time ago, yet your writings have stirred the mother in me. Tears flow, due to the sting it still has…the sadness etc. Please be loving with yourself. I can guarantee that where you are at right now, has been the result of an arduous, tiresome journey for you. One where you have walked alone, with little support. I can guarantee, that it has been a combination of many factors….especially, the ‘having to raise a child’ with little resources, support and time out.
    All I can say, from one broken mother to another….LOVE you, look after you, know that seasons come and go in our lives…the hardest thing is to remain in relationship with your child, due to guilt, shame, and emptyness….but KNOW, things can come right, and our children just need to know in the time of separation, that it isnt about them…but as humans, we all have limitations.
    May the wings of light, love and protection surround you and your child in this time.
    Much love
    Leeanne

  3. Leesa, as a single father of a 12 year-old, and on a low income i really relate. There are times when I am afraid I won’t have enough food to feed him, and the thought of having to send him to bed hungry is horrible.

    I don’t know what I can do, but please know that other people hear you and care for you. *hugs*

  4. “But have you ever felt like me? That despite all your effort, your intentions, your honesty, your service, your effort… it has all come to naught.”

    Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I know that feeling, and struggle with it almost daily. You are not alone.

  5. Leesa- I greatly admire you candidness and, right now, I want to fly to where ever you are and just wrap my arms around you for a long time. I was a single mom for about two years and I’ve stood in your shoes. I sometimes say I feel like a spoiled American, but I’m not too far from where you are, even now.

    “Sorry for myself?” You are *allowed* that, but I sense an enormous strength from you and, having a son myself, the on-the-spot ballooning love in your heart when you see him probably doesn’t allow that for too long 🙂

    And, it hasn’t come to naught. Just look at him, you’ll see. Nothing truly good and right is easy.

    Lots of ooey-gooey love and support from America! Jenna

    • oh Jenna thank-you so much for all that ooey-gooey love :). And I agree that nothing good and right is easy…Ive never expected easy…but lordy lordy must it be so hard? No answer required 🙂

  6. I really hope things do get better. I don’t have children but I know how you feel when you said, “Don’t get bitter, don’t be angry, give love not hate.” and still everything seems to work against you even though you are making the hard decisions. Even though we don’t really know each other I do feel sadness for you. Don’t ever feel bad about feeling sorry for yourself either, the good ones deserve that, I think, once in a while. Just keep being honest.

    • Thank you so much for asking Romy

      The second question is easy…I’m in Australia. The first? I have written this response and deleted it about 15 times so far because I really don’t know how to answer it. The most honest answer I can give is I’m ok and I’m not okay and both are true so the balance remains and this is a good thing :).

      love Leesa

      • After I wrote it I knew you were in Australia. And how do you answer a ‘how are you?’ question – it is so loaded. Just know that you’re in my heart and thoughts, ok?

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