Accept and heal, deny and suffer

If folk could stop with feeling that things ‘shouldn’t have happened’ to them they would heal all that faster.

In my last post I refered to self-awareness, in particular, becoming aware of negative thinking. Please note I am not talking of negative verses positive thinking here. I am specifically talking of thinking that creates more emotional disharmony than external circumstances cause on their own.

And this idea; that these sad events ‘shouldn’t’ have happened; is numo-uno when it comes to creating more emotional disharmony than is actually required. For example;

A mate feels he shouldn’t have been ripped off and is so constantly raging against what’s happened that he can’t see all the cool things he has and the damage his ranting causes to those around him.

The woman, badly abused as a child, spends all her time thinking of how ‘he shouldn’t have done this to me’ and as such needs medication to keep her calm.

Another mate swims in depression due to a partner who was unfaithful and then dumped her and his child. She is stuck in the ‘he shouldn’t have done this to me’ which is causing her to find no joy, to contemplate suicide and to look at her child as a representation of his father rather than a unique soul unto himself.

We have these ideas of what should and shouldn’t occur. If something in our ‘shouldn’t’ category comes about we can easily allow emotions of bitterness, of resentfulness, of hatred, of rage to dominate us infecting every aspect of our lives and making us blind to the positives in our lives.

And no I am not saying these things ‘should’ happen. But I am saying they have happened, they do happen and they probably will continue to happen. A table is a table is a table and no amount of saying it shouldn’t be a table is going to make it less than it is…a table!

Parents abuse us. Relationships end that we thought would go forever. People do rotten things to us sometimes. Unfair things happen. Dreams can be crushed, expectancies dashed. You know that t-shirt that says ‘Shit Happens’? Well it does and no amount of ‘this shouldn’t have happened’ is going to change the fact that it has happened.

Yes we need to grieve, yes we need time to heal. But we absolutely will not heal if we are busy telling ourselves how unfair it was, how undeserved it is, how it shouldn’t have happened.

I know it can be hard to get ones head around this idea of accepting the bad stuff but I assure you the first step of healing is to accept what happened happened. I too over my life have had a list of ‘shouldn’t have happened’.

 My mother shouldn’t have abused me. The adults in the orphanage shouldn’t have either. That man shouldn’t have drugged then raped me. My ex-partner shouldn’t have wiped her feet all over me. My client shouldn’t have hung herself for me to find. The mental health system shouldn’t have become so immoral.

 Yet for the time I spent thinking this way only destructive emotions were provoked. I felt rage, I felt powerlessness, I felt bitter, I felt hopeless…at times I felt life was too much to bear. Clearly continuing this thinking would only do my head in.

So play with this concept dear readers. Think of those things that have been ‘done’ to you that ‘shouldn’t have happened’. Consider if you can simply accept them. Initially you may feel intense resistance to this idea but stay with it because only then can you move on. For ultimately the only person that can heal you is you.

And the first step in healing is acceptance.


4 thoughts on “Accept and heal, deny and suffer

    • hey Romy…you are right… I think the problem is when we set up shoulds and shouldn’ts we are doing it from a false premises, ie that of our current understanding which is such a tiny picture of the overall journey we are on.

      I hope you are traveling gently xx

  1. I agree too Leesa, very well said. When all those bad things happened that ended up with me raising my child alone, I was in EXACTLY that spot you describe, raging against the shouldn’t have happened, the why did it happen, and the humiliation. It took me a long time to get over it, and I dare say I still feel a pang of guilt/bitterness/anger sometimes, but I am finding the little every day things a much bigger and harder obstacle to overcome than this. My family, my father especially is still boiling in this hatred and shouldn’t haves and he refuses to understand how come I tell them all that what’s done is done sometimes, saying how can I be so calm about it. What else should I be? But this every day, random, almost unreasonable indifferent maliciousness gets to me and brings me down. That’s what I am battling against and failing…

    • hey Maggie…i love your term boiling in his hatred…such an apt description of the way our rage at others does only harm to ourselves. And yes my friend I hear you about the daily grind of indifference…I too have expereinced that over the last couple of years. But maybe don’t battle it so hard hun. In battling we are resisting (and trust me Ive been an expert at screwing this one up :)) and if we are busy fighting what is ,we can’t be creating anything new.

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