Just sad

Today I have read that “there is no greater evil”…than Australian law allowing me to marry another woman .

Today I read that those who oppose my sexuality are in fact fighting a “war for the future of the human race.”

Today I read a journalist linking the England riots to lesbian mothers.

And of course from the religious I read of the never-ending burning I shall endure.

I want to justify myself. 

I want to explain myself.

I want to list all the good in me…all the good I’ve tried to do.

Yet I find myself silent.

Overwhelmed by how much people seem to hate me due only to who I happen to fall in love with.

I remember this feeling. I felt it at twenty when I first told others I had fallen in love with a woman. When I was told that clearly I was just bad.

I’m forty-eight now…and tired of the hate

Left simply feeling deeply deeply sad.

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10 thoughts on “Just sad

  1. Leesa, so you love women. Big deal. It’s not like you stay home all day just “being lesbian” anymore than Lex and I stay home “being straight.”

    Folks need a lot more education; straights should know that a lot of wonderful LGBT people are in their lives: Their favorite teachers when they were in school, maybe it’s their accountant or lawyer or dentist or doctor or pharmacist. And good Lord, don’t they ever go to a play? Do they like the music of George Gershwin?

    God loves everybody. God does not play favorites. People who call themselves Christian and say these hateful things to one as sweet as you – or even the toughest Dykes on Bikes in town – should remember that Jesus’ message was clear, contained in one word: LOVE. No escaping that.

    God bless you for making the choice – not the “choice” to be lesbian, because that’s how God made you. Like my daughter, the CHOICE is: Do I live a lie and marry a man and have babies so my mother can have a wallet full of pix to show her friends? Or do I take the risk of being honest, of having some folks (and churches) no accept me for who I am.

    For my money, it’s the Pharisees in the pews who deserve the insults, not you. But then, I’m just a pastor’s wife! WE LOVE YOU LEESA! Your ally, Amy

    • thank-you Amy. I’ve never found my sexuality as big a deal as others seem to. Once upon a time this kind of hatred would activate me to educate but honestly now I dont know that education will work. People seem to need to hate and divide, religions particularly. This hatred, along with our inability to stop warring, our greed, our ignoring of those is need etc etc just has me overwhelmed right now. I can see why some folks climb into little caves and ommm for the rest of their lives.

  2. I can understand your sadness. If I were in your shoes, I too would feel the hatred of small minded people, and would want to hide in shame. The reality and truth is, that those who persecute others for differences is no different to the 1800’s and slave traders…to me, it is a disgusting practice.
    Know, that you are loved and you are NOT alone. Though I realise it is a very lonely path. I have two gay brothers, who I love dearly. I have seen first hand, their personal journey, the prejudice against them etc.
    Thank GOD, (not religion) that the tide is turning.
    Leesa – I love your posts – you are REAL, open and so honest about how you see the world and yourself in it. Anyone, and everyone could learn alot from you. I am thankful, though I don’t know you personally, that you have touched my life, so many thousand miles away.
    Thank GOD, for you, Leesa.

    Keep the faith (which is LOVE in action) xx

    • thanks so much for your comments. It truly is a gift to know that I sometimes touch others.

      I think my saddness lies in that point you make that this kind of behaviour is no different than the 1800s. I thought the tide was turning to but now…

  3. I agree with everything Sharp Little Pencil and Msladyjazz said.

    And I wish there was something more concrete I could do to help. Even though we’ve never met in person I’ve always enjoyed reading what you have to say. You strike me as an incredibly compassionate and loving person and I hate to see you in such pain.

    • thank-you Lydia. i really feel for younger people confused about their sexuality. It can be tough to be told constantly that you are disgusting and evil even if you know its not true.

  4. You are so NOT bad, Leesa. Oh, I wish I could just wrap my arms around you and hug you, right now. You are lovely… and I see it in the way you write. There is no bad about your composition. The world is just very ignorant about the fact that there are more than two kinds of sexes of people. We’re a different sex than heterosexual women. Gay men are a different sex than straight men in many, many ways that have nothing to do with the act of having sex… which is where everyone starts from, of course. But it’s not the whole bag. We’re a very rich, unique culture and I want you to take that idea and hold it against your heart. Because you’re beautiful, and you need to remember that the love is everywhere, too, Leesa. Like I said before, I know we would have wonderful, thoughtful conversations if we lived on the same continent. The whole idea of who you are is solid!

    We’re family, Leesa. Even though there’s a whole world of Haters dismalizing everyone’s life with their angst, you always have Family. JJ taught me that. Don’t think about the haters. They don’t really see us, anyway. Look away from them and look at US! Look at yourself and see how well you fit being a lesbian. Not everyone gets to be one, and so they don’t know about the gifts of our sex. We don’t talk about how truly wonderful it is to have this very unique perspective, and I think sometimes it’s because we don’t teach each other who we are, and talk about where we are on our journeys as lesbians because we’re still tuned in to the Haters

    Look at how wonderful and truly unique we are. I see a beauty in JJ that is unique to lesbian women, and I look at her and see that there’s no mistake about her, and there is no evil about being a different sex. We are a different culture, and that’s what people are frustrated about. We don’t have language for ourselves, and so our children don’t learn about us. Then they grow into frightened adults who still believe that God is in His Heaven, watching every move we make to see if we’ll trip over one of the endless number of rules for being the right kind of human. What does that even mean?

    I’m so sorry for your hurt, right now. But it’s a lie, Leesa. Don’t listen to it. Listen to classical musical and walk with yourself and feel the wonder of the way you think, the way you approach problem-solving. Think about how great it is to have the freedom to say, “You’re darn right it’s me!”

    Yes, the words are mean. It’s hateful behavior. And it hurts to think they’re talking about you. But they’re not. They’re screaming their own unhappiness for not having the guts to live authentic lives. They don’t feel good about themselves, so it must be … lesbians in leather. Oh, give me something intelligent to work with.

    I was very hurt when I knew I was no longer welcome in the world I’d lived. Very hurt. So, I decided to live my authentic life among the people who see ME. I am not my DID. I am not “doing my life wrong.” These people love me because they want to. And that is what I hope for you.

    I hope you work your way into the glory of who you are.

    ~meredith~

    • meredith thank-you for your words. I know I’m not bad. I think I’m just tired right now…of being ‘different’, of being judged and of being condemned, of the hurt people inflict on each other. Right now my son is looking out at the world and in that beautiful 15 year old way announcing ‘people are f—-d mum’. Mum , as his role model ,is educating and directing him to see the true beauty of his fellow human but then I read this hatred still alive and well in 2011 and…well I think I’m just a bit tired right now 🙂

      • Well, then… I’ll just put my little rainbow flag away and stop pounding my chest.

        (How embarrassing.)

        😉

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