I first quit smoking when I was twenty-four (I started at nine). It was my most successful quitting episode lasting six months. There are always reasons why one starts smoking again. All perfectly valid. All perfectly crap!
I have tried a hundred times at least to give up. After that first effort I have lasted sometimes a few hours sometimes twenty-four hours, sometimes a week, sometimes three but always, always, I fold.
I am now forty-nine and I NEED to give up. Previously it has been about just wanting to conquer an addiction. Now my body is speaking to me clearly and it is telling me that it needs my attention ‘or else’. The ‘or else’ has profound implications for my future. It is telling me the limitations it will place on me…what it won’t be able to do. I don’t want that.
I stopped trying to give up a couple of years ago because frankly I got so over failing. It’s a pretty shitty process to continually set yourself a goal and continually fail. I know the problem. I like smoking. Theres no use pretending I don’t. Knowing the potential health implications has no impact whatsoever on the fact that I like it. I like holding a smoke. I like dragging in. I like blowing out.
Yet give up I must because I don’t like the physical consequences. Next year I’m fifty. My body won’t be able to cope with the challenges I give it anymore. It is what it is. So…
Tomorrow is Sunday. It is April Fools Day. The perfect day to start. Tomorrow I will not smoke. And I have set myself the goal of not smoking for six months and then being allowed to assess if I want to continue not smoking. Six months seem manageable whereas not smoking the rest of my life seems hideous right now.
So from tomorrow I will become completely obsessed with not smoking…with smoking…with ridiculous rationalizations and with a mood that means I really oughta keep my mouth shut for the next seven days at least.
I heard a slight wheeze just then as I sighed. It’s not usually there but I’ve smoked too much already today. The thought of giving up tomorrow keeps sending me outside to have another one. Crap and its only lunch time. I need a drink!
Well I’m gunna try. Its only six months. I can do that. Wish me Luck. Now I gotta go outside :).