this is me, cont…

Hey dear reader

If you didn’t read my last post it’s probably worth you going there to get the gist…

https://leesis.wordpress.com/2013/12/08/yes-i-am-an-idealist-this-is-me/

If you want that is :). Otherwise read on. And remember…Yes I AM an idealist!

The thing about slipping into a pit of self-hatred is that one doesn’t attend to the essentials of life. As I literally sat in my arm-chair awaiting eternal damnation, suffocating in self-hatred, three events occurred within one week to speed up my decline.

First I lost my job. That happens when you don’t turn up to work. Next, two Jehovah Witnesses came to my door and preached hell to me. It was then I realised that it wasn’t just the Revivalists that thought they knew the truth…it seemed everyone thought they ‘knew’. And still god was an abusive dictator and I was doomed. There and then I decided God was a myth. For many this would perhaps not have been a bad thing. But for me, given my experiences of human beings, it meant Good (just one more o) did not exist either and in that moment hope left.

And finally I was evicted having no money to pay my rent. I spent the night on a pier at the bottom of our town with no sense of future, of possibilities and with no one to turn to. By morning I realised I couldn’t live on the streets. I was too much of a chicken. The dark scared me as did the guys that walked the dark. There was only one thing I could do.

I knew my grandfather had put $400 in a bank account for all of his grandkids when I was quite little. I knew mum had it. I had to ask for it so, though the mere thought turned my legs to jelly, I went to my mother’s house. Of course she said no and proceeded to berate and hit and scream words of hate. I left as soon as I could escape her grip.

I went back to town and sat back down at the pier with mums words running through my mind. Suddenly I knew what to do. If I was the worst of the worst, the scum of society, unwanted by two mothers etc etc then it was clear that there was only one role for me.

I decided right there and then that as the lowest of the low I should be what I had always been told was the lowest of the low. I would become a prostitute.

I walked to a local phone booth, grabbed the yellow pages and looked up brothel. With a sense of predestination I walked to the brothel, knocked on the door and asked for a job.

Just turned 18…rejected by two mothers, 600 revivalists and god and clearly no place in ‘decent society’ it seemed this was all I was good for. So be it. I would be a whore. prostitute

 

 

to be cont…

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4 thoughts on “this is me, cont…

  1. your not the lowest of the low, how could you be… that place has already been taken by me. and wouldn’t you know it, the Lord loved me, spoke to me, cared for me anyway. I’ll never be able to give back what has been given me, but I’m gonna do my best to try. He cares not what I look like, nor what I do for He sees me… all of me; I look just like Him. * smiles* your heart cries out , it hurts and I hear you… feel you. take my hand, its just a hand, but my heart is His heart… and it cares about you. Bless you. * bows*

  2. Makes the kind of sense you were offered, but the life you endured was an affront… so then what? You’re a tough mudder, Leesa, but you surely were in the deep end of things. How could you think, at all? AT ALL?

    Holding you in heart,

    Meredith

    • ive never heard it put that way…an affront. Actually hun I’m not tough. between you and me I am a really soppy hippie who cries at happy endings and sad endings :). But I was lucky I think. In the way I thought…and oddly because of the way I perceived people around me and rejected the explanations I was given. Now I’ve started to tell this story hopefully people might follow it despite my lack of writing skills because I am happy and oddly pleased my life journey has so far been as it has. Though I have much more I want :). if ya think it could benefit anyone please share…I’m not self promoting but I know how important hope is.

      Hope you are travelling well sister xxx

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