Mum Died; 25/12/2013

Dear Mum

I wonder, now that you are dead, if you see things differently.

Am I still the “adopted fake daughter”? The “one that shouldn’t have been”?

The one that “should have died as her real mother didn’t want her” and now you mum

who wanted your daughter so much had to watch her die .download

I can’t imagine the pain.

And instead you got “stuck with” me.

And in that stuckedness (yes I made that word up), stuck also in a life so dreamed of and in reality so crushingly devastating and entrapping…

Your person, already lacking in character (innateness and a woman in Victoria Australia 1956), lacking those who could truly support you; even if it meant kicking you up the….chose bitterness as your response.

Which empowered not you but your rage, your victim-hood, your selfishness, your bigotry, your racism, your prejudice

And as it related to me…

Your absolute hatred and rage and violence for a girl who represented all that you had lost and then was growing up in a world that would never force her into the same place as you found yourself. scared child

 

 

And the thing that saddens me the most now you lie in the same grave with dad; the amazing gentleman and abused defeated husband; and your dearest dead Dana Marie…

Is that the person you became wasn’t the perswicklanderpion you were. Rick and I saw you in your moments and understood that you Dawn, the Tornado in Barb Wire…

 

 

hid a crushed and hurt soul. depressed and alone

 

 

 

Funny isn’t it. Kids get that. It doesn’t help, powerless as we were…but we get it…we got it.

But the person you chose to become was the lesser you mum. That lesser part of human nature that each of us has but if entered upon creates monsters; child abusers, rapists, murders.

I would have loved to be your daughter and you be my mum. You couldn’t do that. Whoever the ‘adopted daughter’ turned out to be you were never going to love her.

And now Dawn? Now its all over?

I wish you well. I hope you understand. I feel no grief, but much sadness because there was so much in front of you mum that would have made you so very happy if only

you’d only stopped looking behind.

Despite it all I loved you. And love you. And hope you figure it out. Without more pain than you suffered…and caused…for 82 years.

I am richer for it but I limp

and will always wonder what a mum would have been like…

Real or adopted.

Not bitterly though. And I thank you for that lesson.

Perhaps you were my angel after all.

Bye mum. death flowers

love ya

Leesa

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