I sobbed a lot day one and two with the horrendous internal pain that loss causes.
For nineteen years (plus the nine months he spent growing within) my son and I have journeyed through this mother/son relationship and have enjoyed each other’s company 98% of the time. My son brought joy into my heart and life and I got to share this little babe growing into this wonderful young man. Moreover, I grew so much personally due to the responsibilities and privileges of my role with him. I will miss that daily parent/child relationship. I grieve the end of this part of our relationship. He didn’t know it at the time but inside, when he left, internal dependant mother was screaming “noooo come back”!!!
Related to above, personally I am offended by the ‘empty nest’ response. A more accurate title is ‘grieving heart’ (fortunately nowhere as intense or long as the worst grief of all). My nest is empty yes; however, I am comfortable in my own company (most of the time) hence this is not a big issue for me. Missing my son is.
Each day, every couple of hours whether I’m home or out, I re-remember he is not here. When making a cuppa and going to ask if he wants one; when I discover an insight into a complex issue I’ve been chewing on which usually launches us into an interesting conversation and exchange of ideas; when something strikes me as funny and I know he’ll share the humour of it. It hurts. Trickles of tears. And no hugs. Damn it! Sigh. I know it will hurt less as time moves on.
I love change when things suck but I hate change when things are happy!
I am excited for my son, who no matter his fears, has stepped out to ‘take it on’. He will succeed and fail and I know is strong enough to roll with the good and study the bad to make it better. I am so proud of him. Own it buddy!!!
For me. Well some people run about trying to fill their heart straight away. I have chosen to sit with my emotions and let them flow. This is my number one advice to anyone experiencing emotional pain. Do not run; sit with it, acknowledge it, and let it flow. And constantly acknowledge and respect your emotional truth. Grief heals quicker that way. I’m not indulging in it though and there certainly are some benefits living on ones own again. Nevertheless tomorrow is Monday and I have serious things to do. And that’s good too.
So for now…
I miss ya scruffy xxx.