So you may have read that for the first time ever I have spoken with my birth-mum.
From the last post a friend wrote: And? You’ve left us hanging and wanting more…”
I replied, “…I am currently gob-smacked and processing but so far only positive. More to come.”
So here is more.
She seems awesome.
And that is spooky because as a result I have had an emotional explosion of sorts.
I was so prepared for bad. For rejection. What I wasn’t prepared for was any kind of happy reaction that I had found and contacted her.
Since 8 years of age, when Great-Auntie Fin told me I was adopted (thinking to give my comfort…and it did), adopted mother informed me and then repeated constantly how I was unwanted by my birth-mum. Further more I stayed in the baby home for 67 days because no one else wanted me and was finally adopted as an inadequate replacement for the perfect dead daughter.
Of course by my twenties I had figured out that adopted mother was full of pain and rage and it had nothing to do with me. However in this matter, after gaining the paperwork from birth I discovered I was indeed in the home for 67 days. Maybe the unwanted bit was true? Hence for 52 years I have pretty much believed it so.
But it wasn’t. Quite the opposite. She didn’t want to give me away. I was there for so long because she didn’t want to give me up!
Dear reader I find this readjustment of my past story almost too foreign to comprehend.
A long time ago I adjusted to the ‘unwanted’ label and sought to create my own happiness, my own place of belonging. And with my son I even got family.
Now though, as I discover my birth-mum, discover her story I find a little girls voice in the depths of my consciousness chanting “I was wanted, wanted wanted” Another part of me is angry at the lies. The lies my birth mother was told, the lies oh lordy the lies I was told. And gradually a smile, a deep true smile is beginning. Am I truly this lucky?
But wait…I’m 52….will she like me if she gets to know me?
What…WTF are these insecurities? I thought they were all done and dusted years ago. True I’m a bit weird, I…Oh dear!!!
And I suddenly discover I have trust issues. There appears to be another voice within going no no this is too good, too easy, too…”
There’s also a hesitant very small happy dance going on within.
My head is a busy place at the moment :).