I wake in the morning and the first thing I think is; ‘crikey, Iv’e found my birth mum’! (b-mum from now on).
And I want to know her; NOW! But…
I can’t help but think about it from her perspective. Fact is nearly 53 years ago she had me and how does one connect a baby to a grown, slightly ‘different’ from the norm, 52 year old woman?
I think about my son. There is no doubt that when I first held him in my arms my reaction towards him was an overwhelming explosion of unconditional love that has never diminished but grown. He is now twenty and I have said over recent years what a privilege it is to not only love him but to like him as well.
But what if I had been forced to give him up? What if I didn’t meet him again until he was an adult. Does the connection, the love remain? Yes of course I would be delighted but…?
All my teenage then adult life I have read stories of adoption. Of incredible reconciliations and devastating heart crushes and everything in-between. And from the day I discovered I was adopted I fantasized about what my ‘real’ mother was like and more; what it would be like if she and I ever met. And truthfully, now I have found her I want to talk to her everyday!
(We’ve talked twice, over 11 days, which is more than I ever dreamed so should be enough??).
I want to sit with her (preferably over a chilled glass of white) and stare at this woman that gave birth to me (very uncomfortable for her I’m sure :)). And there is a very strong part of me that just wants…well a hug and to hug.
And the sense of vulnerability all these feelings and wants have created in me is disconcerting to say the least.
However she is not just my b-mum. She’s a woman in her early seventies with a life, kids she had after me in the ‘right’ circumstances and it always seemed to me in those adoption stories I read that each person had to respect the wants and needs of the other. As a therapist I have spent years being terribly sensible about what we can and cannot expect out of others be they our birth mum, our relationships, our whatevers.
But the thing about emotional needs…particularly deep long term needs…is no matter how we rationalize things in our minds, when the reality is in front of us it is our hearts that take over and things can come up that we never knew existed. Our hearts needs, our hearts fears. And I so don’t want these needs/desires/dreams of b-mum and I to send her running away in horror. On the other hand she has the absolute right to run where she wants and have nothing to do with me. AAARRRRGGGG!!!
But what if we really like each other? I don’t want to miss more time! But what if she doesn’t like me? I don’t want that again! Oh dear.
I guess 11 days is not long enough to have this all sorted in my head let alone in relationship with b-mum.
Oh well…onward and upward!