I hear your fears. They are different to mine but lordy do I have them.
I fear being a disappointment to you too, more than anything in the world, for I was a disappointment to my mother Dawn. Disappointing two mums would be…hmmmm…challenging.
I am scared you will be disappointed by the fact I am a lesbian and whilst I have never shoved it in anyone’s face, I also do not deny it or live untruthfully.
I am scared you will be disappointed that I am not ‘feminine’. I am even more scared of this having now discovered my half-sister and you are. Some people react negatively to this.
I am scared you will think I am weird because I like reading and having a go at art forms, and watching clouds and talking to nature, studying all sorts of things and playing with kids like a kid and…all that kind of stuff. And yes, I’m into politics because I am in to trying to help others with it harder than me.
I am scared you will be disappointed in me because I am too different. Or too blunt, or too; oh anything you do not like!
I am scared you will see my faults and wish for better.
But I don’t want to run away because of the fear. for a greater fear is that I don’t try.
That I lay one day on my deathbed saying, “I wish I’d…” rather than ‘what a ride”.
That I do not reach out to things in life that matter. And for me you matter.
Directly because of my 53 year journey I want to jump off the cliff and risk all the possible confirmations of my fears for the, perhaps smaller possibility, that we will like each other.
That we will enjoy getting to know each other after all these years and take pleasure in each other’s company.
Maybe if we shared our fears with each other, given whatever our relationship is, neither of us seems to be a mean person…this could be cool. You know, add something else special to our lives.
And maybe the only place these thoughts will exist is here in blog-land.
Because you sounded super stressed and natural mum…that is not what I want in any way shape or form from our contact.
Dear reader please bare with my scattered reactions as I stumble through this journey. I want my writing to always reflect truth and I often ignore ‘writing rules’ so I do not get trapped into editing my reactions due to feeling uncomfortable.
I believe in sharing life stories, in being willing to be vulnerable in writing (or painting or whatever) because we allow others to see our frailties and mistakes as well as the way we are dealing with them. Its part of our connection.