My emotions are all over the place right now. I seem to be stumbling over that which I thought I’d take in my stride.
If my birth-mum feels anything like I do she will have moments where she wishes I hadn’t made contact for the are moments I wish I hadn’t. It’s been such a shock to her. Clearly my half-brother isn’t a happy chappy either for there has only been silence from him (not that he has any obligations here I should say!). And my half-sister, well, she’s been amazing and warm and sweet and bloody-hell that’s just made me feel insecure…but happy..but insecure…
Of course underlining all of that is the hardest issue. Birth mum hasn’t spoken to me since the 8th of February. I know that because it was my birthday and because we were friends on Facebook and had talked on the phone I was hoping she would ring me…for the first time ever. She didn’t. Around 8 that night I went on Facebook to discover she had unfriended me and disappeared. Not a person to avoid issues I rang her. Apparently she was feeling scared people would find her out so she deleted me. I haven’t heard from her since.
She is on holidays now. Apparently she is going to ring me when she returns for she told her daughter and now all know. But now? Now I only feel frightened of that call.
I don’t want her to feel forced into calling me.
I don’t want her to feel she ‘has to’ call me.
Because she doesn’t, ever.
My business continues to be making negligible income, one side of it collapsing as the disability & mental health ‘industry’ continues to put profit above Best-Practice. Centrelink makes my life hell simply because I honestly declare my income and expect I can live on $330 a week despite just my rent being $370 a week. Moreover, the Xmas period will just make things worse. It’s challenging to keep positive and motivated.
And environmental and the human rights catastrophes occurring right now? Here in Australia as right-wing capitalists continue the snatching of wealth despite its destruction, treat refugees as sub-human, and remove rights and social supports (that we CAN afford) affecting those most in need. The wars across our globe. Will we never stop? Hit a child, hit a country, and all the violence in between will only keep us in suffering.
So dear reader life is muddly right now but then I remember:
My 20-year-old son has turned out a truly good human being. I cannot even begin to speak of the joy he has given me from the moment he was born (we will not talk about the 9 months previous :))
I have a home, I laugh a lot.
I have friends who count.
Moreover, though it is hard to build a business with no advertising money I absolutely love working with my teens to develop a love of reading and ideas.
Though my aging horrifies me my health’s not bad for a 53-year-old chook.
The environment I live in is gorgeous and nurtures the soul (though I feel a move coming on).
And this week’s costs are covered so all is good!
It is so important to remember the good.
Life! Such a precious, delightful/troubling, thought-provoking/silly, gorgeous/ugly, boring/exciting discovery. Whew!