Not Feeling Good Enough

 

Dear Princess YaYa Teeny-Bobby Pin Cushion

(I write this as a post rather than an email too you as I reckon…no, I know, many of us have/are struggling with the same issues)

 

Today your mum posted something on Facebook about a 15-year-old beautiful girl who didn’t take the insulin she needed in order to lose weight or maintain a weight below what her body required.

She is dead.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/37243221/the-diary-of-a-girl-with-the-little-known-eating-disorder-diabulimia

And I know you can understand why you rushed into my mind. Baby, my heart screamed for you.

in Bali. I'm painting her face with tomato sauce; to her mums disgust; as my son chats up the 16 year old twins behind me!

For I do not want to lose my most beautiful god-daughter.

And I thought about how really, your whole thing about staying thin and sexy is a way of believing you are good enough after being told how you were not for so long.

As I have told you, believing “I’m not good enough” is a journey I went through.

For the uninitiated, believing you are not good enough, is by far, the hardest thing to recover from.

I speak as one who knows through pure observation of thousands of people in acute emotional/mental crisis and from personal experience.

NEVERTHELESS, RECOVER WE MUST!

Otherwise…

Every moment hurts. What many do not understand, is that believing you are not good enough haunts you every single moment of your waking life and invades your dreams in cryptic ways. And oh my god how it hurts!

Moreover, you end up with an invisible, unconscious bag over your shoulder, and every time anything happens from something you cook going wrong, to a strange look from someone, to a breakup, to a criticism from friend or stranger; EVERYTHING goes into that bag as evidence that you are not good enough.

I have told you before YaYa that I struggled with this believing in my earlier years.

What you do not know is that it has returned.

I thought I had conquered this “I’m not good enough” monster who I call ‘inge’ for obvious reasons. (It is good to name your monster. It kind of removes it from ‘you’. Give it any name you like but give it a name!)  And I have conquered it as far as it rarely comes up. However, I thought it was gone completely. I was wrong.

Apparently, it resurrects itself now and then if something gigantic occurs. Something gigantic has occurred for me.

So, I figured it might help you, and others, to know how I am going to deal with this little monster being back in my head. As you know I am 53 and have lived, worked and studied emotions and thoughts forever.  This is real-time writing. Right at the moment, I have not sorted it out. I feel rotten right now.

I must admit, I feel quite vulnerable sharing this but then it is very much my belief that we must, must, must share our journeys so we learn from each other…honestly…without shame!

I’ll stop now and will be back tomorrow. I want you to think through what I have written. Ponder if you can relate. And, if you do relate, ponder further about the specifics of why you do. Maybe we can support each other as we apply the tools to send this monster away.

I love you Unconditionally Always

Your Pookie. xxxx

(don’t you laugh at that name other readers 🙂

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