In this moment

 

734759_304639326306489_815890120_nMy existence was destined to be pain for not one, but two mothers. For the first a socially condemned reality, the second, a constant reminder of her unhealed grief.

It saddens me that I have been the cause of so much grief, even at 53. I know…now…that I hold no responsibility, personally; like me that is me. It’s just the way the cards were dealt, or the choice I made pre-birth, or gods choice or…whatever. I cannot avoid the sadness though if I think on it and the urge to sometimes stare up at the sky, asking why, to everything and…nothing.

However.

I am not responsible for their unresolved issues. I am not responsible for their choices, their fears, their inabilities. Ultimately I would have liked a mum. But it wasn’t to be and acceptance is essential in this journey called ‘Life’. I met my natural mum finally and am thankful for my genetic inheritance because I saw it in her, my half-sister and see it in myself and my son. My adopted mum was buried three years ago. She never stopped being in a state of rage at me unless we were in public company. We hadn’t talked for 13 years when she told me she had no daughter and I gave up for she had been very very nasty about my dad. Though dad was a weak man with her and consequently couldn’t protect me he was a good man, a gentleman, a funny man and I loved him.

So that’s it for mums.

 

I am only responsible for my life and the thing is,

My journey, though hard at times, has also brought me an understanding and depth I would not trade. It allows me to truly enjoy the essence of life whilst understanding what really counts. Not to say I don’t have shitty days :). Just that it’s easier to keep things in perspective. And lordy do I have some joys.

A gorgeous son who has flown with courage and is one of the most decent people I know.

A wonderful god-daughter who has made more progress than she understands this year and I’m excited for her 2017.

A cute as anything godson with a personality that is just plain funny and loveable.

Their mother who is more like a sister who you only get along with half the time but she’s family and I’m fond of her and grateful for her half of giving our kids the sense of family all kids need.

Dear friends, who have made it through their own personal dramas to be still standing up in 2017 and I’m deeply glad for that.

A blessing of a contract that removes my financial pit of despair and gives me the opportunity to serve those with a harder journey than others which I dig doing.

Friends…who are just there, as I am for them though we are rarely in the same physical space. A comforting awareness.

And a dog and a cat who are helping me learn to live alone again, driving me mad, making me laugh, sharing cuddly moments.

Life.

A wondrous curious sometimes painful often funny joyous (more than folks realize) and never ever predictable entity.

Dearest readers as I said to those I know I say to you;

May 2017 bring you, and may you give to others, loving kindness and lots and lots of laughter.

Dream big and leap

xx

 

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